I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
