I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
