thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
