I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
