Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
What a dumb baby whore.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
