if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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