i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
