he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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