You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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