The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
