If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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