I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
