i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
