Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
