There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
