Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
