apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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