my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
be right there i have to get my cape
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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