I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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