How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
