Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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