Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
