I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
