3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
