We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
