I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
