Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
