I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
