no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
