I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
