i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We were destined to go to rehab together
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
