Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
