I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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