One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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