I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
vagina is talking i cant
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
