I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
