I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
