the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just cropdusted the office
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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