im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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