I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
