Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
