I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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