I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
