We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
