How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
