Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Randomize
