hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
