So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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