She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
