I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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