no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
